Hey, blog friends, I have a problem. I think that I am being a girl wrong. I know, I know, you’re all like, what? How can you be a girl "wrong"? It might seem impossible, but I have been watching a lot of TV lately and clearly I messed up somewhere.
Ok, so first of all, I cannot cook. I mean, sure, I can pour a mean bowl of cheerios, open a can of diet coke like no other and don’t even get me STARTED on my ordering takeout skills, but besides that I’m pretty much in the dark. I don’t really know what to do about it. Just kidding, I totally know what to do about it. I am going to buy a magic bullet, some Tupperware, some Teflon kitchenware, some Chicago Cutlery, an Electrolux stove and that new GPS looking gadget full of recipes. That should get me started at least. Because seriously, if I didn’t learn this stuff soon how will I get my boyfriend to love me?
So, I know what you guys are thinking, J., if you get all this cooking stuff your kitchen is going to be a gigantic mess! Well, trust me guys, er, I mean, girls, I was worried about the same thing but TV provided me with an answer – cleaning supplies. All I have to do is buy some Joy dish soap, a Swiffer mop, some Lysol spray, a Mister Clean Magic Eraser, some Easy Off oven spray, Some Electrosol dish washer soap, Some Arm and Hammer baking soda for the fridge, some Bounty paper towels, some Glad garbage bags, a ShamWow or two and a Shark steam mop and before I know it I will be dancing around wearing pearls and a dress in a kitchen that literally sparkles. And trust me, I need that stuff, cause right now there is a pile of dishes a foot high sitting in my sink from last week when I made my man a pot roast (just kidding...I didn’t really make a pot roast.)
Now that I have this kitchen stuff figured out, I thought that I would be well on my way to being a real woman. Unfortunately with all that cooking, I started to eat the food (classic rookie mistake) and now I’m getting fat. And if TV taught me anything, it’s that nobody likes a fat girl. But, as usual, my friendly television set is just sitting there waiting with the answer – DIETS!
If you are just getting started on being a woman, you might think that exercise and healthy choices are the way to shed pounds, but you are wrong…and probably fat. One way you can do it is to order premade meals. These will usually be prepared by a skilled chef who somehow manages to turn chocolate cake and pizza into vegetables. You can also try workout tapes, these can be super helpful if instead of the television implying that you need to lose weight, you want to hear the TV bluntly tell you that you are too fat. But those ways are pretty hard, the best way to do it is to just buy pills. Whether you want to be strung out on speed or just use the old fashioned laxative approach, there will be plenty of options to choose from.
Just remember ladies, crash diets and pills are only the beginning, even after you lose some of the weight you will still want to invest in some tummy-tucking panties and a push-up bra to make sure you really look like a woman. And don’t think that you are going to stop with body morphing underwear, there are a lot of other products that you are going to need before you can leave the house without scarring the neighborhood children. Which brings us, of course, to make-up.
If you are single, and if you are reading this feminist blog, you are almost for sure single, cause if you had a man, you wouldn’t be a feminist and instead would be dancing around your newly cleaned kitchen with your Swiffer mop debating whether you wanted to fold laundry or start dinner. Anyway, if you are single, you will probably want to invest in some cover-up, zit cream, eyeliner, eye shadow, wrinkle remover, exfoliant, moisturizer, mascara, lip stick, lip gloss, blush, that weird little airbrush thing, some more zit cream, some teeth whitener, some skin bronzer and makeup remover. Lots and lots of make-up remover. A plus side to all these beauty products is that you can use them to cleverly hide your tampons in the bathroom. God, can you even imagine how embarrassing it would be to have your man (or really ANY man) know that you get your period? (Shudder!)
So that should at least get you started. There are lots of other things you are going to need (like Nair and scrapbooking machines and purses) but those are just icing on the cake, The stuff I already listed is what will help you get the most important product a woman will ever get – the diamond ring. Once you have that you will have graduated from Being a Girl 101 and be well on your way to becoming A Wife and Mother. See get out your credit cards ladies, and start shopping, er, I mean, start living!