This next post goes out to all the single ladies. (I like to start out my posts as though I was dj-ing at a dance club). I met my husband-to-be about three years ago. Before him, I had dated a different guy for about a year so in all honesty I’ve been involved in long term relationships for the bulk of my adult life a.k.a. the four and half years since I’ve been a teenager. So while it might seem like I am not in the position to give advice to other girls on the “Right Way” to find a guy, I have listened to about a billion stories about assorted assholes, disaster dates and ruined relationships from my single friends.
The thing that seems to mess everyone up the most is, of course, sex. Should you do it? How long should you wait? Will he respect you less if you put out or will he leave you in the dust if you keep it PG? If he doesn’t want to make a commitment, will taking your clothes off make him realize that he wants to buy you a diamond ring, a house and start shopping for a crib and matching changing table?
The thing is, from the time that we are kids, girls are taught that a guy will respect us more if we wait to have sex. That it is ok for him to try and grope you while making lewd innuendo but a good girl coyly bats her eyes and says that she doesn’t want to rush things, that she wants it to be special.
News Flash: Most sex isn’t special. Fun? Yes. Exciting? Hopefully. Sentimental? Rarely. Usually its just a hormone driven adventure that leaves both people sweaty, exhausted, feeling a little awkward and hoping that they didn’t say anything weird in the middle of it.
The thing that makes me the maddest about the whole issue of sex and dating is that most women really do try and figure out those questions I listed above. Especially about how long they should wait and whether or not doing it too soon will ruin things. Maybe I’m an enlightened feminist or maybe I am just kind of slutty, but I honestly never once thought about whether waiting or rushing into would be better to start a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. If you are dating some guy who wants to have a pants-off party fifteen minutes after you met him and you aren’t into it, definitely don’t. A woman should never, under any circumstances, have sex unless its what she wants to do. And especially don’t have sex with someone that wants a one-night stand when you are already picking out the wedding invitations you are hoping to use with him. There are so many women out there that think that if they put out they will eventually get love in return.
Second News Flash: guys will either like you or they won’t. Sometimes he won’t like you, but he will still want to have sex with you. If the guy is sending you signals that he doesn’t want to know anything about you except what you look like topless, don’t try and trick him. It won’t work, he’ll end up getting what he wanted (sex) and you’ll end up with hurt feelings and being no closer to your goal of being in a relationship with him. If you are ok with it just being sex, go for it, but if your master plan is use nudity to prove you’re worth dating, keep your clothes on and go find someone who is as interested in you, as you are in him.
The thing is, if you want to have sex and he wants to have sex, you should. If afterwards he decides that you jumped into the sack a little too eagerly, than he is the kind of chauvinistic prick that probably wouldn’t make you very happy anyway. Don’t ever let a guy make you feel bad cause you like sex. In fact, don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad cause you like sex. It isn’t just the male population who thinks that good girls wait, I’m sure I am not alone when I say that I have heard more girls call each other sluts than guys call a girl a slut.
If you are honest about what you want from the other person, things will go a lot more smoothly. Girls are conditioned to think that they are supposed to want to wait AND conditioned to think that they are supposed to make the boy they like happy. Since those two things make it really hard to figure out how the hell you are supposed to act (and also disregards the fact that you might just want to bone (<-look at me being all ladylike!) throw out both the rules and start from scratch. Do what makes you happy and try as hard as possible to avoid hurting anyone else in the process.
If you want to wait until marriage, wait until you find that guy who wants the same thing. If you want to get to know each other by testing out his bedroom skills, wear cute underwear on your first date, make sure you have a condom in your purse and have a good time. Two consenting adults should be able to do what they want. If he judges you harshly for doing the exact same thing that he just did than, like I said earlier, he’s chauvinistic and not worth your time.
Either way unless you are doing what you honestly want to do, there is no way for the guy to know what you really want. So go forth, be slutty or be prudish, just be honest. It really is the only way that you will ever meet the guy of your dreams and be able to have the kind of sex that really is sentimental. But, and this is me being honest, afterwards it will still probably make you feel sweaty, exhausted, and hoping that you didn’t say anything weird in the middle of it.